I hate the fact that I cannot enjoy the moment anymore. I used to be able to sit down and watch a movie. A whole movie. Start to finish; watch it. No breaks. No peaking at my phone. No little distractions. I’d get up to take a piss, or grab a drink, sure, but I was into the movie. Not just movies though. Music! I used to be able to enjoy music on its own. Just having an album on I took the time to go out and buy and just enjoy it playing. Nothing else, just the music.
I have memories, fond memories, of times I just enjoyed a thing. And I really do. I can remember moments I’ve had throughout my childhood and early adolescence where all I did was enjoy the thing. Laying on my bed with earphones on blasting an album. Sitting down at the tv with my dad and watching the latest movie he got on tape. It was special to me. These were true events, not passing moments.
I was able to do one thing. Just be in that moment and do that one thing and enjoy it.
I am watching a podcast while I write this. I actually pause it, switch to the text document, write and switch back and press play. This is not normal, is it? Why can’t I do one thing and enjoy doing that one thing anymore? It’s stupid and I’ve found that looking back, none of the things I read, hear or do like this make the cut. They don’t get that asterisk next to them that says, this is a fond memory. I’ll probably forget what podcast played while writing this. I’ll even forget I wrote this while playing a podcast.
It’s easy to blame my phone, or social media or even the wider society or culture we’re in right now. Everything is short, fast, flashy and meant to keep your attention for just a little bit while you’re blasted with endorphins or some happiness chemical, just for you to jump to the next thing.
I don’t do social media, but I do watch YouTube. I watch shorts on there at times. I read the news on my phone and even blog posts like these are bite-sized entertainment. I don’t have notifications on my phone, but I do regularly find myself grabbing that little rectangle while I am doing something else. I should not have this problem I have as badly as I have it, at least I don’t think. I still do, though.
Were things better when you were young? Are memories made when you’re developing worth more?
There’s research into this that states that earlier memories get ingrained more than later ones, but this does not explain the ADHD switching behavior. I’m sure there’s research into that as well, I was just too busy scrolling on my phone to read it.
It doesn’t matter. I am going to make a stand against this behavior I seem to have adopted and I am going to put an end to it. From now on I will choose to watch a movie and I will watch that movie. My phone will be in another room and I will be present for the entire movie, although snack runs are allowed—as well as bathroom breaks. I will put an effort into focusing on the thing I am doing. I will not get sidetracked by other unimportant shit. I’ll do one thing and do it well. I will force myself into making fond memories damnit!
Where do I buy an album now though?
